It must be nice having a following. Lots of people interested in what you have to say, or at least interested enough to click a button on a website, once, ever. Friends vicariously enjoying your morning flat white, while Liking the articles about global warming, feminism and the KKK you link. I think you’re one of the few people in the world who really gets it. I wish I had half as much influence.

To be fair I’m not really putting the effort in. Take YouTube. I don’t post many videos, but I’m proud of the three subscribers to my ‘channel’ who enjoy my valiant efforts to improve the internet. This involves a video of a band called Snuff doing the theme to Test Match Special, and a collection of clips you could bracket under the title ‘The Best of Jason’s Murders from the Friday the 13th Franchise’.

And one of the latter has many comments. This involves the ill-fated Chelsea, who encounters Jason while swimming in Crystal Lake in the buff – a horror faux pas, as we know. Gliding about fearfully, she hides herself beneath a wooden jetty and we see Jason wander off. Chelsea sighs with relief, just before his trusty machete is thrust into the top of her skull and she’s pulled wide eyed from the water, finally slumping back into the depths for the last time.

See, I love horror films, slashers especially. The more vicious and inventive the murder the better, for me. If anything sums up the terrible nature of life, a protracted survival of the fittest from which no winner can ever emerge, it’s Jason Voorhees smashing the luckless Judy against a tree as she wriggles about in a sleeping bag.

And you can assume the many people commenting on Chelsea’s demise share my love of the diabolical. 68,282 views so far. The imaginative nature of the latest Jason slaying has clearly gripped the internet. Here’s a flavour of the 33 comments:

nice tits
Nice tits
I pause at the boobs ;)
( . ) ( . )

And my personal favourite:

That machete is my cock

I sigh like Chelsea. But one comment in particular encapsulates western society in five words that hit home harder than Jason’s machete or JimboParadox’s cock ever could:

How did YouTube allow this?

Listen, it’s possible this commenter is talking about the brutal murder of poor innocent Chelsea. I mean, he’s not commented on any of the other nine videos in the series, nor on ‘TOP 10 STREET FIGHT KNOCKOUTS’, or ‘Psychopath Ted Bundy’s Interview Before Execution Full’, or those clips of Peppa Pig tapping up a vein that have parents so up in arms at the minute. But yeah, it could be the barbarity of it all that’s upset ‘The Strider’ so.

I sigh like Chelsea. You and I both know it’s the nudity.

A pair of breasts, remarkably augmented in Chelsea’s case I will admit, stirs loins in a certain type of person which in turn stirs them into complaint. Breasts are far more threatening to civil order than a machete through the top of a young woman’s head and hark! was the nature of humanity succinctly summarised.

Part of my life is spent in a game of cartoon superhero types, running about betunneled arenas prodding and zapping each other to death in a wide variety of grisly ways. One of the chaps you can play as is named Reaper, and when he gets excited enough you can make him spin in a circle, maniacally hammering shotguns into anyone nearby, while yelling the heart-warming catchphrase “Die! Die! Die!” You’re meant to be 12 to be allowed to play Overwatch. Eight year olds beam as they open birthday presents, Dad patting them on the head with a knowing wink.

Stick a dangling cock on old Reaper though, and outrage would ensure. What is it about nudity people can’t bear? Bell ends, bollocks and baps. The chocolate starfish and the penis fly-trap. I struggle to picture the individual who doesn’t have some combination of these about their person. Occasionally one goes inside or raps up against one of the others but there’s nobody on Earth who didn’t end up here, stuck here, due to something like that taking place. Nevertheless a single pair of breasts in a film is one tiny step removed from spankbang.com and copulation in the streets.

Once again it’s children to blame. Our precious little darlings must be protected at all costs from seeing something so objectionable as a penis. A good half of them have one of their very own, and it’s our duty as responsible adults to make sure they’re as ashamed of it as possible, without explaining why. If we can’t make them understand the naked human body is something to be feared and avoided, we’ll never be able to make them repressed enough to want to rape, maim and murder each other because you see, without fear of the body, Hollywood would never have given us Jason.

Right on cue, this weekend I received an email with the subject “Your video has been removed from YouTube”:

As you may know, our Community Guidelines describe which content we allow – and don’t allow – on YouTube. Your video “Chelsea dies in the 12th Friday the 13th film” was flagged for review. Upon review, we’ve determined that it violates our guidelines. We’ve removed it from YouTube and assigned a Community Guidelines strike, or temporary penalty, to your account.

Flagged, you say? By a hand-wringing citizen of the world wide web I imagine. Someone far more concerned by a single pair of bare human breasts than by the sight of Julius the boxer getting his head punched clean off, Eddie having a strap tightened around his head until it pops, (Kevin Bacon is) Jack speared through the neck with gratuitous deliberation, or Adrienne having her head pushed into liquid nitrogen and smashed to pieces against a table. On a spaceship, in the future. God I love these movies.

Bugger the violence. That’s simply part and parcel of what it means to be us. But if you think I’m going to allow my children, who as an enlightened parent I allow to have unfiltered access to YouTube, see a set of bodily parts of the type they once sucked on to keep them alive, you can expect your collar to be felt, you filthy pervert you. Young people should only see the naked body for 20 sniggering minutes of a biology class at about age 13, then never again. Repercussions my arse, which, no, you can’t see.

Now that YouTube have bowed to the sensible pressure of a mother who caught her son chuckling at Chelsea on his parental control-free tablet, I might lose one or two of my valued subscribers. I’ll have to replace the video. I think…yes, Mark, whose machete to the face sends him careering down a staircase still in his wheelchair.

Give the people what they want, I say.

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