Are you a miserable wanker?

You were expecting some kind of survey weren’t you? Look in the mirror – you don’t need the internet to tell you if you’re miserable, or a wanker for that matter.

If you are one or both, perhaps you would consider writing for this site.

If you want to vent your spleen, you may as well do it here. I am looking for people to write for this site, and to help spread the word on shit like Facebook and Twitter and all those other fucking time-sinks you people waste your lives on.

There aren’t many guidelines for writing here. It has to be funny, angry or both, because there’s little point this being here otherwise. You can offend whoever you want but you can’t libel anyone or make shit up or any of that type of thing, and there is an obvious ban on racism, homophobia and the usual nasty things. Actually, fuck that: go ahead and write as much homophobia as you want. I’ll post it under your real name and do my very best to find your address so people with pitchforks can come and show you the error of your horribly repressed ways.

I’m not inclined to impose upper or lower word limits, but I can say anything longer than 1,000 words will likely be trimmed. Also, over-use of capitalisation for emphasis will be frowned upon with the strongest baseball bat I can lay my hands on. You will incur my wrath if you end a sentence with a comma and the word ‘darling’, because come on, no-one actually fucking talks like that. For some reason I despise the words ‘I digress’.

No poetry, only prose, because I fucking hate poetry and I don’t have to explain why. If there’s a poem within your prose, that’s acceptable if it’s not shit, but if it’s a poem it probably is.

And this is not a place for ‘a list of things that piss me off’. Pick just one, and explain why it pisses you off, and you’ll likely be onto a winner.

You can write on whatever subject you want. Day-to-day gripes, netball, UKIP, depression, Spanish cucumbers, why you really fucking hate your grandma, all fair game. Make it worthwhile though – if you’re writing about something minor, it had better be entertaining. You don’t have to include swearing but it is big and clever so I’d recommend you do.

You can write under whatever name you like but it has to be an actual name. If you want to use a pseudonym or create an angry persona for yourself, I’m all for it. What I’m not for is names like fucking loldiggz and trevor14; we’re not fucking children. Obviously we’re not fucking children, fucking children is very naughty, your honour.

I reserve the right to edit submissions, for structure rather than content (tidying up, fixing spelling and so on), and to use a title from within your text. If you write in all capital letters, I’ll find you. My decision is final and if you don’t like that just sling your fucking hook.

So, if you want to submit something, send it to me at If you want to email ahead to check I’m still alive and accepting stuff, be my guest.

And if I don’t use what you’ve written I will let you know why because, whatever else I am, I’m not a cunt.