Showering with your socks on

Guess which national paper’s website I was reading from these headlines:

· Black man can’t pronounce Worcester.
· Mother has huge tits; take a look.
· Jedward nearly drown.
· Troubled star moans about being rich while in rehab.
· Kanye West is still a ‘GENIUS’.
· Clarkson: fat.

Of course it’s the Daily Mail. Well done to those who got it right, and for those who said The Sun or The Mirror, you win too, because all their news is the fucking same.

Even the BBC jumped on the pricktard band wagon with this little gem about Mohammed Abu Khdair. “Mohammed, pictured here taking a selfie, was a sixteen year old boy (reflective pause) with a fashionable haircut.”

Granted the Beeb don’t like talking about uncomfortable issues but Jesus, give us some credit. We don’t need a trail of delicious breadcrumbs to keep our interest in stories.

If it wasn’t for Lee Camp’s Redacted Tonight on RT (Which you all should watch to prevent your brain rotting with stupidity) I may have already thrust my skull through the glass of the BBC front door and yelled “This pane is broken in case you hadn’t noticed” just to let them know what their ‘news’ broadcasts feel like to me.

Not all news is bad I suppose, there are some facts in amongst the bullshit. Some of those facts are even relevant. So maybe I should look at these specific stories I saw on the Daily Fail’s website.

I’m sure fashion is amazing. All those different fabrics and colours are like sooo in right now or not but the sheer amount of semi-celebrities caught stepping out of a petrol station toilet, larking about on a beach, rubbing themselves against a tree or throwing a pet down the lens is exhausting. The paparazzi must be like an army of ADHD-riddled snap addicts. A lovely dress that has an inbuilt coffee machine or a pair of sunglasses that can see through clothes sounds like great fashion news; Mrs Steven Gerrard’s post-meal pre-fag sarong and flip-flop combo does not.

The Mail generally hates ‘foreigners’ and non-whites but mocking the Labour MP Chukka Ummuna over his pronunciation of the word Worcester is the equivalent of mocking a Mail columnist over their pronunciation of the name Chukka Ummuna. They may as well have screamed the headline “MAN MAKES MISTAKE: NO HARM DONE”.

Some bird has obtained size HH breasts. This is basically just a subtle nod back to the days of the freak show. Add in a bit about her being a mother to have people hate her: story done.

Shia Lebouf got famous and drank a lot. Robin Thicke made a song about forcing his aging genitalia into teenage models and when his wife left he cried and made a song about that. Kanye’s mad and Clarkson’s fat. Am I the only one seeing this?

I didn’t cover Jedward nearly drowning as that’s the only bit of news I thought was worthwhile.

You shouldn’t read newspapers, listen to the radio or watch TV for anything. Sit in your house in darkness and put your tinfoil hat on, and your mild addiction to eating mayonnaise out of a Metallica cap and showering with your socks on may just hit the headlines. You’d love that five minutes of fame, wouldn’t you? You make me sick.

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