There’s an election on. The procession of dickheads we usually see on the news grimly telling us the country’s only hope is to lube up and take it are instead grinning and making promises akin to the young girlfriend assuring her man she’ll wait for him as he’s dragged off to the trenches, while eyeing up the bank clerk with flat feet. Policies that will never happen are being ‘red lined’ and ‘set in stone’ in a bid to make us all turn up to put a little pencil mark on a piece of paper some time on a Thursday. Life is absurd.
An election forces politicians out from behind their Civil Service forcefield and into our faces. This is when we get to find out if the latest batch should be applauded or ignored. In almost every case, the 2015 election has shown us that all they’re interested in is telling us as little detail as possible about what they truly believe, while spreading fear of the other lot. Every Party Political Broadcast involves multiple mentions of how if you vote for anyone but ‘us’ you will be directly responsible for the maiming and murder of countless citizens by a coalition of cunts. It has been by far the most obfuscated and negative campaign of my adult life and if I could vote for Guy Fawkes I would.
But there is a glimmer of hope, suggesting that 2020 may not be as calamitous for democracy as this latest round of shit-shovelling. A new group has emerged as a powerful, proud force in politics, with policies we can believe in and people who are just like us. That group is UKIP, and a vote for UKIP is a vote for our future.
Now, anyone with a passing interest in anything I’ve ever said or done may be surprised at this apparent change of tack. But Russell Brand’s example of comedic U-turning has given me courage to admit my real truth, I now realise. So, why UKIP?
Last night helped. A candidate for the party in Hampshire was suspended after being secretly filmed saying if his Conservative opponent of Sri Lankan heritage were ever to become Prime Minister he would ‘personally put a bullet between his eyes’. The idea that a random Tory named Ranil Jayawardena could become only the second PM ever to be assassinated, and the remarkable train of events we’d need to witness to get to that point, sums up why I think we need UKIP.
Politics has become fucking boring, and UKIP make politics fun again.
Who doesn’t hear ‘UKIP’ as the first word in a news report and experience a momentary exhilaration that the next two words might just be ‘have suspended’? This is a party with a long track record of selecting candidates and councillors that epitomise what it means to be traditionally British – afraid of ‘outsiders’, furious at the notion anyone should get anything from ‘the state’ they don’t deserve, jealous of other people’s success and inexplicably fearful of the threat of random gay men to their anal virginity. Brown people are inherently terrifying. Change of any kind should be resisted at all costs. Feudalism can and will prevail.
And with that in mind UKIP’s Dave Small was set loose on the internet last year with tweets about ‘poofs and dykes’, ‘perverts’ and ‘Pakis’. Kerry Smith’s choice phrases included ‘disgusting poofters’ and ‘Chinky bird’. David Silvester called homosexuality a ‘spiritual disease’, which is the very worst kind of disease with the exception of arse cancer and hangovers.
Lynton Yates declared that anyone on benefits should be banned from driving because they ‘really should catch the bus’. The famous Godfrey Bloom knows precisely where in the kitchen a woman’s place is. Matthew Ellery was nicked for robbing his own dad’s antiques shop. A whole raft of Kippers have been done for fiddling the books, while the best of all, Rozanne Duncan, declared unabashedly in a BBC TV programme that she had a problem with black people’s faces and didn’t really know why. She even had the style to admit she knew it was a slightly dubious viewpoint as she stood solidly by her lovely remarks.
Comedy even arises from the seemingly innocent. Roger Bird will forever be a hero of British politics for having stuck his cock in the wrong woman, who subsequently went public accusing him of all manner of misdemeanours. Interest was piqued as Roger, who looked 55 but turned out to be in his mid-30s, was enjoying fun times with a relatively attractive woman he would ordinarily have had little chance of penetrating. The upshot was he hadn’t done much wrong, but how we laughed at this odd, balding, bespectacled little man.
It’s because of each of these true Britons that I urge you to vote UKIP in the 2015 election. A UKIP majority government would be the most hilarious thing to have happened in the politics of any country in humanity’s colourful history. The mother of all democracies deserves to be the pace-setter in a new utopia of news reports that make us laugh, wince and scream with rage in equal measure. Politics can, and must, be a source of mirth in these tough times to be human.
Every other party any of us could vote for will take us on yet another ride on the staid, tiresome merry-go-round we’ve been throwing up on for 15 years or more. More cuts, more stories of hospitals having no money, more libraries shutting, more teachers quitting or going on strike, more families moved out of the areas they’ve lived in for generations to make way for expensive property developments, more pollution, more food banks, more of a gap between the rich and poor and, by far the worst of all, more pubs closing.
Can you see Nigel Farage ever letting a pub shut? All right, so it’s a stretch to see that rubbery halfwit as Prime Minister for longer than about two and a half months before the people of Tottenham start burning down their own buildings again, someone declares Martial Law and we all get our first experience of the Home Office’s shiny new water cannons. But what a time we’d have. Britain could be great again, recalling some of our wonderful country’s finest moments, like the benevolent reign of Good King Richard III, the Charge of the Light Brigade, the Munich Agreement, Beagle 2, this summer’s Ashes and that time the dear old Queen Mum got pissed on Beefeater and pissed on a Beefeater.
So, I urge every man, woman and eligible animal to vote UKIP. I’ll vote Green to make sure it doesn’t look like a fix – we’re not Azerbaijan for Christ’s sake. I’ll take one for the team and try, somehow, to live with it. But if enough of you see purple as you enter the polling booth we could put this disgusting style of politics we’ve lapsed into to bed and finally return a bit of oomph to a country that’s dying on its arse.