Everyone talks about bad customer service, but let’s take a moment to consider bad customers, or more correctly stop and listen to a retail employee.

For those of you who have never worked in retail, or have been lucky enough to work in a shop so exclusive that refusing a sale to those deemed unworthy is actually mandatory, let me describe what dealing with a bad customer is like, with this helpful illustration.

Imagine a horde of rats. Hungry, unwashed, surrounded by their young ones. Now imagine them trying to burrow into your face through your left nostril, collectively. The rats are grumpy, and the slightest fucking whimper or sigh from your end is a clear sign to them that you are disrespecting their God-given right to enter your face in whatever disturbed, fucked up way they see fit.

What do you mean you don’t have enough room for all of us? You didn’t cater for every individual rodent personally? What kind of sick mind games are you trying to play? Also, where’s the fucking bathroom? My little vermin offspring feels the need to block the toilet with its gigantic stool.

You may try to reason with them, but reasoning with your fur-infested left nostril is fucking difficult when your right one is full of paperwork and policy stuffed there by a kindly wizard. I didn’t mention the wizard? Don’t worry about him, he’s here to help. Just hold still and that left nostril will be stretched out in no time.

Let’s imagine you’ve survived the day. You’ve cleared your nasal cavity and the swelling has reduced. You’re ready for some light refreshment and entertainment, in the form of a glowing box of poorly written programming, where more fucking rats are now surrounded by cameras desperately hiding their horrific true personalities while trying to win some massive, undeserved jackpot.

And you, you get to start it all again tomorrow, when the shops open, there to be rat-fucked like the walking left nostril you are.