I recently learnt to drive. I’m 28, I should have learnt sooner, but I didn’t, deal with it.

I have now been driving for two months. Plenty of time to establish just how many bellends there are on the road. In those two months, I’ve encountered countless fucking idiots who deserve a Darwin Award for their incredible driving ability.

Let’s start with the cunt that nearly hit me twice in the same car park on the same day.

I had just arrived in this car park with my girlfriend. We were going to buy candles or some shit smelling thing for our flat because apparently we need more aromas to amalgamate into some Frankensteinian stench to destroy our nostrils forever.

Just as I turned the corner into the car park, this little cunt of a woman reversed out of one of the rows of parking spaces and if I hadn’t swerved and broke she would have hit me. She drove off without even considering an apology. I was a bit shook up, but I carried on driving to the store I was aiming at because the candles were calling. As we were approaching the store, this bitch rounded the corner and met us head on this time, going the wrong way down a one-way car park. This time I got to look into her eyes and noticed that she was so fucking dead behind them that she didn’t even realise what she was doing was wrong. On she carried without a care in the world, just like any other idiot who doesn’t stop to think for just one second of their day.

Next up we have the woman who beeped at me on a roundabout. For those of you lucky enough not to have roundabouts in your country let me briefly explain this head-fucking contraption to you. A roundabout is a circular piece of shit on the road. Sometimes they have flowers on them, which is a real treat. They can also have banners on them wishing someone a happy birthday, but this practice has mostly died out now, probably because of Facebook and not because strangers couldn’t give a flying fuck about your dad’s birthday and his route to work.

The way roundabouts work, according to my driving instructor, is that you give way to the right, unless you have time to move off without slowing the car to your right down. So, on this particular day, I drove off giving the car to the right plenty of time and space. However, this cunt of a woman decided to beep me anyway. She was driving as slow as death was creeping up on her, which in my mind meant I had plenty of time. In her mind, I had ruined her otherwise eventful day of getting in everyone’s way and generally being a pain in the arse just for continuing to breathe.

In both the above situations, I tried to keep my cool as much as possible. I did what we all do – swear like fuck in our car, but try our best not to let the slowest people in our communities slow us down mentally any more than humanly possible. However, this next situation drove me round the bend more than I ever thought humanly possible.

I was low on petrol and rather than invade a country to get some oil to make into petrol, I did what most people would do, I went to the petrol station. Now, one of our local petrol stations is cheaper than all the rest, meaning it gets fucking stupid busy just about the time my girlfriend finishes work. Being the doting boyfriend I am, I picked her up from work and took her with me. Nothing like a date in a petrol station to say I love you!

It was fucking busy, and I was waiting as patiently as I could. My girlfriend and I talked about her day, not so much mine, but that’s usual, we spoke about her ideas for dinner, not mine, but that’s usual and other things that generally affected her more than me, but that’s usual. Then a spot opened up. I was overjoyed; I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to finally get a spot at the pump! “Hooray”, I thought! I leapt into action. I put my foot on the clutch, popped my car into gear and just as I was about to take my handbrake off to move into this amazing spot, that I was truly lucky to have and clearly did not deserve, the women behind me beeped at me.

Now, for those of you who don’t drive a “stick”, the above process takes about two seconds. Clearly, this old, spinster, cat lady looking piece of shit didn’t have two seconds to wait. I fucking lost my mind. How can two seconds of waiting be such an inconvenience? How busy is your life? Or do you just have to get home, feed the cats and cry over a bottle of wine and microwave meal for one?

After the beep, I waited another two seconds to drive off. I looked in my rear-view mirror to find the women giving me some helpful encouragement, willing my car along with hand gestures. As I drove to my precious spot at the pump, I gave her a handy hand gesture of my own to help her with her long wait for a pump. One less of encouragement and more of die bitch die. As I pulled up to my pump, she pulled up to hers. I believe they are now making a film about her long wait for a petrol pump that evening. Her cats at home crying for Mummy, her microwave meal praying to be consumed and her bottle of cheap red wine begging for the chance to numb her pain before her cats eat her face as she sleeps.

I don’t have road rage. These are just some true stories about drivers being total fucking penises. I also don’t follow the stereotype that all women are bad drivers, though it would appear that these women have taken that stereotype and fucking run with it.

But who am I to stop them? Women’s lib and all that! You want to drive like a bellend, go for it. Hopefully, one day soon, your driving days will come to an abrupt end, when you hit a tree and faceplant your dashboard. I do not have road rage!