Tag Archives: sleep

Take me to the zone

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TAKE ME TO THE ZONE shut the FUCK UP oh

god sorry, straight away you’re gonna want context. So look, I generally sleep until 8am every morning. I don’t have to go to an office and I can lie there having tea that’s usually brought to me. I need to be online by about 9.10am which means at 9am I am warm and livid that I have to have a shower even though I don’t have to leave the flat all day so what’s the fucking point?

Anyway every other day or so I emerge to the adult, paying world, but remember I mentioned I get the tea brought to me? Incredibly, there’s a downside to that. The tea bringer is in the living room, the ‘office’, before I am. And therefore she chooses the music. BBC 6 Music.

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Tiggy

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I’ve never regretted not having kids. It strikes me as a tad perverse to claim you’re doing your bit for the future of the species when that future involves the next generation waking up with their hair on fire in the 50 degree heat of Christmas 2050 knowing that it’s just hit £50 a pint.

When it comes up in conversation, and it does, I just say I can’t see why I’d give up a life of little responsibility, frolics unencumbered and full nights of unconsciousness in favour of ‘kids eat free’ Saturdays in the local and grimly suggesting you move nearer the in-laws just for the cheap babysitting.

But don’t worry, you parents out there, because I’m now one of you. Now, I have a cat.

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And then I woke up

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I’m running through this field, right? Chased by something, I don’t know what it is. Desperate for a piss. There’s this cow then suddenly I’m in my old bedroom at home, Mum’s talking about my diary, I can’t believe she read it, I don’t even have a diary.

Then you, yeah I know, you turned up and want me to go out in the car but there’s no petrol and I’m desperate for a piss, so I go to the toilet but it just won’t come out and you’re on about this car. We get into town and you go off with John and I’m going down this alleyway and there’s a girl, she’s off Silent Witness, pigtails, about 11 probably, looks a bit like Michael Barrymore. She’s got this knife and she’s trying to stab me and I do this roundhouse.

And then I woke up. Mad, no idea what that was about.

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