We all know online petitions are an utter waste of time, but I signed it. Of course I signed it.

I mean, one of the most hideous humans among us has somehow fluked himself into the highest office in western democracy, and he gets offered a state visit to the UK? To glad-hand one of history’s most famous state leaders, one of the most noteworthy women the planet has known, the world’s favourite grandmother?

I’m astounded it’s even a point of debate. Of course he should be given a state visit.

Oh, you thought I meant the other petition. The one where outraged Brits with no dog in the fight get to have an inconsequential howl at the unfairness of international diplomacy. Funnily enough these days I can do little but laugh at the Wilhelm screams of hand-wringing left-wingers, never mind that I am one myself.

No I signed the one that said Donald Trump should very definitely be afforded a state visit and all the daft, upper-class frills that go along with it, for one very obvious reason. When else will I get the chance to stand among thousands outside the Queen’s house and scream heartfelt abuse at the biggest arsehole on Earth?

It’s been a funny couple of weeks, since Tango Man took over. The UK Prime Minister went to meet him, and didn’t just not call him a prat during that press conference but actually invited him over for afternoon tea. Cue fury. Pointless, empty fury.

If you want to demonstrate to someone your enormous distaste for them, they’re unlikely to feel the full force of your ire if you turn to face the wall, put your fingers in your ears and hum. You’re more likely to get your point across if you calmly beckon them over, put your hand gravely on their shoulder, look them in the eye and say “I would like to kick you in the teeth, you fucking cunt.”

Unsurprisingly I’m no fan of ‘no platforming’, the growing trend of university student unions to want to ‘protect’ their fragile lambs from hearing views they might find objectionable, or worse, convincing. Has it ever worked? We can’t know. We’ve no idea how many homophobic Churchmen, brainless far-right extremists or unfeeling, unapologetic capitalists would have outed themselves as inhuman scum had we given them the chance to do so, because we decided we were a little too delicate for platforming.

Clearly the highly amusing story of Nick Griffin hasn’t proven as illuminating as many of us anticipated. How Denial got made is a mystery.

The main argument against the state visit is that it would confer some magical legitimacy onto Donald Trump. This ignores two key facts. Firstly, Trump is already president, elected by over 60 million people. If you think he’s a man who worries he lacks legitimacy, you’ve not been paying attention.

Secondly, and I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but the British monarchy is no more than the luckiest of a group of wealthy medieval families, the last left standing when Parliament decided allowing the cross-eyed son of a cross-eyed twat to have the final say on anything was like asking a dog for directions. Their opinions and utterances confer as much legitimacy as mid-morning groans from the Gents.

Freedom of speech is a difficult thing to manage but for the most part people should be allowed to say whatever the hell they want, all of the time. How else are you supposed to find out who goes on the Christmas card list and who you hopefully put into your annual Dead Pool?

This afternoon I read of fears in (obviously) America that Republicans are going to roll back LGBT rights as soon as they can. Businesses, for example, will be allowed to discriminate against employees and customers on the grounds of sexuality, because ‘freedom of speech’ will now encompass ‘freedom to say and act upon any nasty religious idea you’ve cooked up this week’.

And I’m all in favour of it. Clearly, the loss of hard-won rights will be painful for the LGBT community. But which companies will decide to make use of their new freedom to discriminate? Companies that will swiftly be decried, hounded and boycotted by right-minded people. You’re free to say whatever you want – you can call those two ‘faggots’ and refuse to bake them a cake if you want. We can’t promise it’s going to end well for you, but it’s your right, you fucking bellend you. Enjoy your bankruptcy.

William Wilberforce, there’s a name, famous for his role in the end of slavery in the 18th and 19th centuries. He has a statue in Westminster Abbey, a 100ft memorial column in his home town of Hull and he was played by Ioan Gruffudd in a film with Cumberbatch in it.

And staunch anti-abolitionist Richard Pennant, “1st Baron Penrhyn”? Not so famous, not a statue or plaque in sight. But we know who he was, and how badly on the wrong side of history he was. If we had the ability to communicate with the dead just imagine the state of the poor bastard’s timeline.

So it is with anyone going against the prevailing tide of progress. Say what you like, discriminate how you like, with the law on your side. But be assured of how your Wikipedia page will read when we’re done with it.

In 2010, ten thousand people marched through the streets of London to protest the visit of that scaly bastard Pope Benedict. Did it nudge at his feeling of being out of time, maybe even contribute to him quitting a couple of years later? Impossible to say, but one’s thing’s for bloody sure, if Trump comes over here there’ll be a lot more than ten thousand of us and if he’s gone within a year or two I’ll be lining up at Buck House for a swording, a medal and a souvenir candlestick liberated from a state room that I helped pay for.

We’re getting conflict whether we want it or not, so let’s have conflict on our terms, on home turf. “Welcome to the Palace TRUMP YOU WANKER! Mr President, I trust you had a comfortable TRUMP YOU WANKER! flight?”

Stop this nonsense about protecting our pageantry, sign the right petition and get the tangerine tit over here ASAP so that all he can hear as he shakes old Phil’s hand is a sea of sense screaming he’s a shit of the highest order. ‘Fake News’ that, scumbag.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *