A week ago Britain was draped in red, white and blue. People filled the streets waving coloured cloth in support of the armed forces. Folks stood cheering and saluting as tanks filled with bombs drove by.

“Quick, get the cameras ready, fighter jets are about to fly over. Look at the way they sore majestically through the clouds.” I only ever see planes flying like this on special occasions. Think how lucky Afghan children are, they get to see planes like this ever day and they’re filled with bombs. Lucky, lucky bastards. I will never get to see a carpet-bombing in real life.

‘Thanks to our brave boys and girls’ was trending worldwide. The nation joined in support of the soldiers fighting in a war the country didn’t want. We love the pawns fighting on the chessboard of the military-industrial complex we pretend to hate. What they do is “moral, brave and courageous. They sacrifice their life for you so you can live in freedom and safety.”

I don’t really give a shit about the war. People like to kill people, it’s a fun old sport. Paintballing is enjoyable but hearing that gunshot explode and seeing a head get blown up is way more exciting. What I have a problem with is the way people justify this with bullshit language.

An example: this week a young British lady was on holiday in Magaluf, a perfect place to be when you are young and single or not single. It doesn’t matter if you have 157 partners back home waiting for your return. You are in Magaluf and the energy is pulsating. The sun is beating down, the drinks are 40% proof, priced at £1. Fuck missing that alcohol induced opportunity because you’re 2 grams through the most potent MDMA, you are pure ecstasy, the world is love and you are too. Sex is raining on the roof, sex is dripping down the walls. You are fucking. You are fucking like an ox on steroids, no man or machine or god is stopping you from coming. Be you male or female you are pulling the vinegar face of happiness.

So this young lady I will now be calling Magaluf Girl was embracing this craziness. But the CCTV of modern life captured her in this moment; someone filmed her on a smartphone and posted a video online of her living the madness. Now the world has seen two minutes of her existence where she’s sucking the flaccid dicks of strangers for a cocktail drink.

1) Fuck that asshole for putting it up. He is a fucking creep. I’m pretty confident Magaluf Girl wouldn’t have wanted that.
2) Fuck the papers for making it a national story exploiting a woman’s right to do what the fuck she wants or in this case the want she fucks.

Magaluf Girl, this is a wonderful thing if this was something you wanted to do. Magaluf Girl, I celebrate it, you are young and beautiful and have the right to bring joy to the 20-odd men you blew as long as it brings joy to yourself. If it was something you wanted to do it was a great way to display happiness and love. We should all feel confident enough to take off our clothes, party and go balls deep into a stranger without feeling shame or hate from others. Magaluf Girl, your next cocktail is on me. Just please don’t let the bastards grind you down.

But the press and people of the Britain, like the vultures they are, have picked apart this moment and have slut shamed her. Calling her “cheap, sickening and immoral” and this is where I get back to bullshit language. We live in a culture where it’s ‘moral’ to be a hired killer for a government that drone strikes the innocent of other countries because they’re brown and don’t follow “our” agenda. It’s ‘moral’ to fire bomb and set villages ablaze. It’s ‘moral’ to stack people against their will naked in pyramids but it’s ‘immoral’ to express love with your lips wrapped a throbbing cock in a club with a buzzing DJ set.

The way humans talk tells us everything we need to know about us shaven apes. We have a lot of evolving to do.