Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t listen, switch off, plug your lugholes and glue your lids shut.

There’s politicians on the rampage, oh hoho.

We are to endure another election, yes we are Brenda, yes we are. But this one is a little different to the insensate pinheadfests of yesteryear, for this one is at NEARLY CHRISTMAS, but no that’s not it. It’ll be cold but old people will still ruin our day like Grandma taking a mallet to your Fisher Price garage.

No, this one is different because we’re going full-on Donal Tramp this time to be sure. Facts are the wheezing enemy and we’re not standing for their disgusting facty truths any more oh no we’re not, no. I hope you’re ready to hear the words ‘fake news’ many, many times in the next few weeks because before the solstice is upon us they’ll be ricocheting around your head like the ball bearing that rolls about making that sound that comes out of Peter Bone in lieu of coherence.

It’s neither fashionable nor necessary for the things politicians say to have any basis in fact. I will of course provide my loyal readers with examples because really they’re quite hard to avoid, and oh look here comes one now. Boris Johnson! said today that his government is building 40 new hospitals and you can’t say that about anyone else, not least because you sort of have to be the actual government to be allowed to build hospitals I think.

The actual truth, not that it matters eeeeeven a little bit, is that the government is actually upgrading six existing hospitals, and allowing a number of others to investigate the possibility of building work, though not actually build anything, starting from six years from now.

Oh he’ll be saying this thing about hospitals a lot in the coming weeks, he will he will he will. At some point somebody, perhaps live on telly, will tell him it’s a lie. But he’ll claim it’s not a lie without providing any evidence, someone will say ‘fake news’ and well I never we’re all confused now aren’t we? I like hospitals though and the more he says it the less dead I get it seems like, so he gets my vote, though I don’t live in Uxbridge so he won’t but you know what I mean.

Look out here’s another example and once again it’s our blonde chum at the wheel look out! he’s swerving about like he’s on the Drambuie but that’s not true obviously, does he even drink? He should. Well now: staying in the EU costs the country one billion pounds a month. Not staying would do the same, though, what? Yes I don’t like it any more than you do, that even if we left the EU we’d still be paying that money, but I do think he’ll keep saying it, and blaming other people, though of course it’s mainly his own fault, but it’s a good deal for Britain it’s a good deal for Britain a good deal. What happens if I move to Uxbridge, will that work?

If you’re of a sadistic bent you might spend too much time on a website called Full Fact but it’s not going to do you any good so stop it. I’ll just wait a while in case a non-Johnson example comes along tick tock tick tock tic, so you can get some mad brain disease off a tic now it said the other day but I don’t know if that’s true because BbC lIbErAl BiAs.

I wouldn’t want to suggest that all Tories are prototypes not fit to litter Geppetto’s workshop floor but I’ve now been waiting 178 minutes since I wrote the last sentence and I’ve waited less time for a 4 on the Holloway Road and sometimes I wonder if those little bus stop screens are connected to a completely different internet. Or do I?

Heehee let me have a go at this fibbing malarkey and since 2017 I’ve painted and sold 35 canvases of dogs lining up to wee on a tree for a total value of six million pounds of which every penny I have donated to charity and to the best of my knowledge there is absolutely no way for you, you in particular mind, to prove that isn’t true. I also haven’t had more pints of beer than cups of tea in my life. Think about that, yeah? Just think about it.

My advice to you is to ignore the whole bally lot of them. Oh please do vote, for whatever you want, but don’t do it because you’ve been persuaded by any of these carcinogenic charlatans. Then again maybe don’t bother. Last time I tried to vote it turned out someone had been in there and voted as me a short while before, and they kept asking me if I was Alfie Alzheimer or trying to pull a fast one by having another go because that one extra Green vote would definitely have swung it, so it would.

If you want to improve your mental health, which I believe the ever-empathetic Mr Johnson claims he’s already cured you of, maybe try an episode of University Challenge where Jesus College Cambridge have answered ‘Hogarth’ to three questions in a row just on the off-chance. And then there’s The Wall, with Danny Dyer, which is, for, the avoidance, of doubt, absolutely, fucking, brilliant.

Just don’t watch the news for a while.

Any more of this could make you psychologically unsound.