It’s been a long, tiring day, and I bet you can’t wait to get your head down for a nice long kip, ideally followed by a comfy Saturday-morning lie-in. I’m sorry that you won’t be doing this.

Earlier today I broke into your house and secreted a large, soft item between your pillow and its pillow case. At some point later this evening your head is going to be slowly lowered down onto something that was inside me just a few hours ago. First you’ll feel just beneath your right ear that something isn’t right, then you’ll smell that something is very wrong, and then you’ll be sick over every wall, pet and child in your house.

Honestly though, I don’t think you can hold me particularly responsible because as far as I’m aware, having watched your own recent antics, it’s quite all right for people to drop their shit wherever the fuck they want to, no matter how much it inconveniences anyone else.

I take great care in my filthy vandalism; not for me the squatting gamely over the pillow in the hope that what emerges is both well targeted and of the ideal durability and firmness. No, I’ve spent the last week eating beans, cabbage, curry, cornflakes, immodium and more than one large lamb doner with lashings of chili sauce, washed down with as much Guinness as my local publican could pipe into my face. I’ve done this to confuse my body into producing an array of stools so extraordinary in strength and texture that I could pick and choose the very best of them to Tupperware round to your place.

I followed you home, you see. I watched you eat that packet of crisps, lick each finger one by one and toss it to the ground where I assume you think it will either be picked up by a road sweeper that Barnet council very obviously have no money for under Cameron’s penny-pinched utopia, or simply decompose like I hope you’ll begin to after a giant coronary in the next few weeks. I tailed you all the way back to your little semi-detached home that I could tell straight away would be responsive to my PXS-05L 5 Piece Lock Pick Set w/ FREE Easy Picking Booklet. I shit, shit again, nodded sagely at my work and here we are.

I should have known what type of person you are when I saw the crisps were prawn cocktail. Prawn fucking cocktail. You sicken me.

Taking that packet with you really wouldn’t have caused you too much inconvenience. There’s a bin just along the same road in the direction you were already walking. If you didn’t want to carry it that far I could see you had pockets in those jeans and you could have put it briefly in one of those, between the various massive folds of blubber you’re evidently storing energy in ahead of a trip to Svalbard without a coat.

Instead you chose to simply drop it onto the pavement and carry on about your business, as clearly a number of others have done lately. There’s a flattened cardboard cup from a local coffee shop. There’s an empty Dr Pepper can, presumably yours since anyone who can eat prawn cocktail crisps is probably also a fan of the nastiest fizzy drink since Tizer. There’s a small plastic bag-type container, one of those bags you get in the mini cereal multi-pack boxes we used to eat as children. That one’s confusing.

People like yourself who think it’s fine to drop whatever they like wherever they happen to be standing should be forced to walk behind the weekly rounds of the recycling lorry, breathing in deeply every time another fresh load of paper and glass is dropped inside smelling more foul than it’s scientifically possible for paper and glass to smell. At the end of the day, covered in sick as you will doubtless be by this point, you’ll be given a packet of prawn cocktail crisps in a Pavlovian conditioning-style bid to make you understand that the rest of us aren’t here to pick up the shit you’re done with.

You are a selfish cunt of the highest order, but to prove even the lowest scum can be forgiven I present you with a gift on your pillow. Please accept what you find tonight as both olive branch and warning that the next time I see you dropping litter on the street I will add cider and Twiglets to my diet and all bets will be off.