A first-class sheriff’s badge

LMAO, CBA, FML, ROFL, LOL, OMG. The list is endless, but please, just stop. You! Yes YOU! I want to talk, not ‘chat’ or ‘natter’, I mean talk.

The art of a good conversation is dead; not dying, dead. It seems the reaction is not to improve vocabulary or express opinions on how to make it better, but to abbreviate and minimise all effort in conversation.

Have you ever spoken to someone and they use an abbreviation of a word or words that are as simple to just say correctly? For example I asked for directions the other day and the response was ‘I don’t know teebeeaitch’. TBH? It stumped me. Obviously I know now, but at the time I asked someone what this meant and they pulled a face like I’d broken into their house on Christmas Day and pissed on their roast potatoes.

I honestly didn’t realise that we’d reached a point in evolution where ‘to be honest’ was too much vocabulary for the human brain to push out. Such an ask! I know my generation is to blame, social media and all that, and I feel like I’m being a bit of an old man about this, but where do we draw the line?

In 10 years when I ask my children how school was, am I even going to understand their response? The answer will no doubt be full of grammatical rape. Just do me one favour, the next time you are in a conversation with someone (grandmother, sister, friend, anyone) and they use any sort of lazy communication as though they think you don’t deserve a full reply, just look at them straight in the face and say: ‘I am terminating our association’.

You do not need these people in your life. Or am I just being pedantic?

Am I fuck. The worst thing about these grammar crimes is that they’re not new words; no, we’re way too lazy for that as a species. They are words we already have but boiled down for the stupid and the people who think they sound ‘on trend’. You don’t sound on trend, you sound like a first class sheriff’s badge.

Is it really too much to ask to use our energy in a more productive way, and hunt these people down? We could even start with the type of people who especially have no business using these so called words. Obviously nobody should use them, but the young and stupid are naturally going to follow trends. I’m talking about the older generation using it to sound like they’re still young and reckless while spreading Flora on their toast to lower their cholesterol.

I even heard a politician use one once, can you believe that? Are they not supposed to be running the country instead of pissing me off with shit like this? Those fuckers can definitely be dealt with first. Action must be taken to let the correctly spoken rule again, and hit the grammar criminals with one massive great FU.

One thought on “A first-class sheriff’s badge

  1. Spot on. I’m all for a vibrant, ever-changing linguistic melting pot when it comes to language. The problem is that these abbreviations aren’t evolution. They’re the antithesis. They’re devolution. Or, in layman’s terms, they’re just shite. They’re from the same branch of linguistic banality as the emoticon and the excessive use of exclamation marks – signposts for the intellectually stunted/a thinly-veiled indictment of the author on his readers (“everyone – this is the funny bit, right here!!!! Just in case you can’t tell”).

    Even their post-modern ironic use grates now, although that’s mainly because their use is so widespread that I’m not smart enough to know whether someone’s being sarcastic when they’re using them.

    Hey – maybe they should invent a punctuation sign for sarcastic, or something.

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