Well, it’s certainly a big fucker, innit, measuring as it does 27 kilometers. Lying underneath the Franco/Swiss border, it’s reputed to be the largest machine on Planet Earth. It looks like something out of a Bond movie, a colossal and expensive machine intended to study the ultimate building blocks of all matter, and in particular to search for the Higgs boson, known as the God particle because of its postulated commanding role in explaining how subatomic particles interact with each other.
So, what did you think?
Was it was the greatest scientific endeavour since the (disputed) Apollo moon landings, or – like the type of folk who once believed that an atom bomb blast would ignite the entire atmosphere, or that train travel was impossible due to the human body being unable to withstand speeds of 24 mph – did you think that it would open a gateway allowing Our Lord Satan to enter our world?
Me? I felt cheated.
At the time, the thing that I did find rather distressing was the mention (admittedly in the less scientific quarters) that, when the last AA batteries were finally inserted, some ‘mini’ black holes could be accidentally created. And doesn’t that sound to you like an oxymoron?
“It’s alright folks, it’s only a mini black hole”.
I mean, I’m no scientist, honest, but surely a black hole is an awesome, indescribably powerful phenomenon. The fact that they now apparently come in ‘mini’ size did not offer me too much consolation.
I mean, black holes; they’re just not the same as Mars Bars, or ladies skirts, are they?
It’s like saying a mini cataclysm, or a minor apocalypse – can these things ever be less than fucken momentous?
And how the fuck do you make a black hole anyway? I’m guessing, and again I must reiterate that I’m guessing so as not to lend too much credence to my musings (for they are only that; I’m no fisiks boffin furfuxake), that the answer may be rather simple – step number one: you make a mini black hole.
Any yet, despite the combined brain efforts of billions of boffins, and the pissing up against a wall of literally thousands of money (or was it the other way around? The finer details are already sketchy to me) the mighty Death Metal Colander sucked, and we failed, yet again, to destroy man’s oldest nemesis: the Earth.
It was all just a bunch of bullshit, wasn’t it?
Some egg-headed fools promised that maybe, ‘round about 8.30am, on the morning of the 10th September 2008, when the Metallic Machine (in reality probably just the world’s longest torch) was plugged in, we would all be cataclysmically sucked off into another dimension.
And we weren’t.
Not even a wee bit.
What a pisser.
It was even predicted, by a few of the less enlightened boffins, that when the promised black hole was conjured up we’d all have roughly eight to ten minutes before our eyeballs were sucked through our pulsing bodies and out of our collective cocks, draining us away down a cosmic plug hole, forever. I forget the actual physics.
Some even put forward the proposition that, mibee, those last ten minutes would wind strangely back on themselves, like a snake swallowing it’s own tail, and we’d be forced to repeat those final moments over and over and over and over and over again. To infinity, and beyond, I believe was the time scale quoted, though I may have to recheck my sources on that.
And I can recall thinking on the morning of that fateful day; in an ideal (end of the) world, how would I like to spend those remaining/ever repeating final last 10 minutes?
It’s a good question, innit?
Of course, in actual real reality, how did I spend that historic moment?
If I remember correctly, I took a nice, if rather large shit, and thunk up all this old bollocks.
And failed, once again, to be sucked off.
Note: Since this article was written existence of the Higgs particle has indeed been confirmed, by data from the LHC, in 2013. Also, since the time of writing I can confirm that the author has still failed to be sucked off.