I cannot deny that the internet is a marvellous creation filled with many wondrous things. Stocked to the brim with joyful bundles of cute kittens, online shopping and naked celebrities aplenty. It is inarguable that the world is a better place for the instant access of information, film showing times and ‘free’ music.

None of these life-enhancing features change the fact that the internet is annoying as fuck.

Take Google, without doubt the single most-visited site on the internet. You pop along for a daily search, but unless you’re searching for something huge (Amazon, BBC News or midget-porn), or you have a very specific search term, then you’re likely to end up with a load of shit. Searching ‘holiday’ returns 85,300,000 results. In theory this means there’s a holiday-related website for every 85 people on the planet.

The reality is that the internet is getting too full. In fairness, not all of those millions of results will be relevant; in fact I’d argue 85,299,990 are irrelevant as the majority of people never look past the first page of results anyway. But stuff gets put on the internet every day, and rarely gets taken off. The whole thing needs cleaning up – not a job I’m volunteering for (unless it pays well) but it will have to be done at some point so why not get on top of it now?

Let’s have another little sideswipe at Google. Those fuckers play around in their ball pool meeting rooms and snooze away having wet dreams in their sleep pods, all the while representing a liberal and ‘for the greater good’ ethos, but behind the scenes they’re just as capitalist as your evil Microsofts and PC Worlds.

Case in point are the sponsored search results which appear at the top of your search in an eye-catching yellow box. Some company has paid for that, probably handsomely depending on how common the search term is. I can live with that, money makes the world go around, but most of the time it’s fucking useless and doesn’t take you where you want to be.

I recently found out that they often pay for these adverts per click, so now I click the shit out of one whenever I see it. What’s that? I’ve searched for pictures of the Eiffel Tower and Argos is the top link…CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLICK. I go back and forth a few times clicking away, laughing at myself maniacally in the knowledge I’m wasting their money like a bored evil villain in training.

And what’s the deal with cookie tailored advertising? Just because the wife did a search for the NSPCC six months ago on the same IP address doesn’t mean I need to see some sad kid’s face whilst I’m searching for the latest celebrity phone hack. It’s a serious buzzkill.

Great in theory, the internet. Fucked in practice. The next time you’re at a dinner party and some smug bastard called Gerald mentions what a testament to the achievements of modern man the internet is, just tell him to Google ‘blue waffle’.