All posts by Perry

Heaven’s in the backseat of my Cadillac

I saw a bumper sticker the other day – yet another fucking attempt by a born-again Christian motorist to convince us to believe in Christ. The sticker said “This car may be unmanned during rapture”.

This only endorses my belief that if God would transcend his cherubic followers to the upper stratosphere, especially when they’re charge of manoeuvring a large motor vehicle, then believing in Him could involve no end of RTAs.

It would mean killing dozens of road-users and pedestrians for the sake of one person ‘living’ at the right hand of God. We can only hope we spot the little fish decal on the back of their car in time, before drivers start dematerialising and a vacant car causes untold havoc.

Bloody born-again Christians only go to prove there is one ‘born’ every minute. The seventies pop group Hot Chocolate had a song called “Heaven’s in the backseat of my Cadillac”, the lyrical content of which suggests that the car should be stationary before any kind of rapture takes place.

If you are about to be raptured, check your underwear frequently to see whether you have been ‘washed clean of your sins’. My mother insisted if I was to be found dead at the scene of a car accident my underwear should be spotless. No skidding while skidding, as it were.

Obviously God prefers no laundry issues at St Peters Gate. Otherwise a lot more fucking shit might go down.