Dear Mr. Coholic,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your continued support in our establishment. However, your continued support has, with it, bestowed upon us a number of trifling issues. Call these issues; perhaps even behavioural tics. I am sure they are of little consequence in the short term but as the list of observations grows so too does the list of complaints.

Please find enclosed a list of but a few of these which I feel most important to bring to your attention. I have also categorized these into levels of frequency to help highlight the importance of such behaviour.

Every day:

• You tell me how dead it is in all the other bars that you have probably spent all day in and now you have come to clear out mine.
• You buy the same drink even though we have a bountiful range of tasty beverages for you too sup…fucking live a little.

Frequently:

• You unrelentingly talk/swear at yourself as you sit alone.
• (Related to the above bullet point) You scare off any other punters with your jibber-jabber who might otherwise be seeking a little bit of privacy on quieter nights.
• You blame us for losing your “shopping” and repeatedly have to advise not to bring it, or to keep it with you at all times.
• You mine-sweep other peoples drinks while they are still attending to them.
• You pick fights with other, more passive members of the clientele.
• You relay one piece of information I impart about myself in casual conversation back to me constantly over the next 4-5 days.
• You have two comments about “the match”. These are “what a game” and “what a shit game”.

Occasionally:

• You piss your pants.
• You fall asleep on the toilet only to be discovered once everyone has left, everything has been cleaned and we are ready to lock up.
• You take pride in leeching money from your son.
• You tell me about the vast fortunes you can acquire from selling your house.
• You ask for loan of tobacco without any intention of repaying that debt.

Once in recent memory:

• You lost your teeth under your sofa for over a week but still went out drinking every night.
• You started a fight with me for picking up and disposing of a bottle that you knocked over.
• You were sat in your “naughty corner” by door-staff after starting a fight with other, more passive members of the clientele.
• You almost burned down our Christmas tree.
• You smashed your face in on your own doorstep and continued drinking whilst taking opioid medication.
• You got your cock out at the bar (albeit at a different bar, but word about cocks travels fast and you are a cock).
• You tipped, but only because I made a joke about it and other people were at the bar.
• You got barred for three months for most if not all of the above

I hope you have found this list as enlightening to read as it was to produce and it is with sincere and frank honesty that I advise to you, Mr. Coholic, to sort your fucking life out you mental, mental man.

Kind regards,

You know who, you see me every day (also annoying).